"Once again, CHRISTMAS IS UNDER SEIGE by the growing forces of secularism."
-Bill O'Reilly

I couldn't tell if the former governor
had a good time at OUR PARTY:

Unless you subscribe to On Writing: A Publication of the Writers Guild of America, East, you probably haven't seen some of the latest* brilliance to spring from DOUG WRIGHT's quill:

In Hollywood, rather than read the countless screenplays piled on their desks, film executives often request "reader's reports" instead--which are usually written by starving grad students, mail clerks or fledgling, would-be Spielbergs. Below, you'll find a typical example of what is known in the trade as "coverage."

READER'S REPORT

STUDIO:
United States of America

EXECUTIVE:
John Q. Public

PROJECT TITLE:
"The First Term"

SCREENWRITER:
George W. Bush

GENERAL DESCRIPTION:
High-profile, big-money project. Touts itself as a patriotic action-adventure flick in the tradition of "Pearl Harbor" or "Top Gun."

THEME:
History doesn't matter, cuz "we'll all be dead."

STORY:
Failed Texas businessman with drinking problem takes over reigning Super Power.

CHARACTERS
THE PRESIDENT:
On the surface, a classic, wildly cinematic figure. He speaks with the tough-talking mono-syllables of a John Wayne. But his motivation? Fuzzy! Weapons of mass destruction? Oil? Or is he avenging an old assassination attempt on his Dad? (If so, isn't that a bit too obvious? Won't audiences get ahead of him? Let's face it. The Greeks did this better, and that was over two thousand years ago. ) It's hard to imagine a Tom Cruise or a Brad Pitt vying for a role like this one ... whenever the plot gets tough, the leading man just disappears! For pages! Hapless, supporting characters are left to pick up the slack! Because he's an unreliable narrator, the voice-overs have to go. He can tell us anything (the economy is booming! health-care for all! Jobs! No Child Left Behind!), but if we don't see it on the screen, then it ain't happenin'! The script may describe him as "the leader of the free world," but--in the current draft--he's just a cipher.

THE VICE PRESIDENT:
This character is ill-conceived. Ruthless corporate raiders do not make compelling public servants. (Aren't those two roles ANTITHETICAL?) As written, lacks charisma. Some comic potential here--the pugnacious, burly Costello to the President's Abbott--but in the current draft, it's woefully unrealized. (One promising character detail: a lesbian daughter! But--curiously--she never appears onscreen.)

THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE:
Even supporting characters should have the capacity for growth. This one is hit by a host of crises: a failed war, S&M prison antics straight out of Passolini, calls for his resignation, and he still remains doggedly unchanged, plundering forward with all the obliviousness of an armored tank. Aspires to be the film's "Colonel Jessup," but lacks Nicholson's nuance.

NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR:
This character is wildly inconsistent. In one scene, she's the very picture of maternal reassurance, imbued with a soothing, unflappable voice that makes even the most preposterous policy statements sound no more alarming than Muzak. In the next, she's the goofy but lovable secretary, misplacing kooky memos like "Warning! Urgent! Terrorists Intend to use planes as weapons!" and mistakenly placing them in the "vacation reading" pile. In still another, she's the spurned harridan, crying "Richard Clarke is a duplicitous cad!" Clearly, this role was written by a man. Couldn't we have a more fully dimensional, independent-minded woman? Especially in a script that's already crammed full with MEN, MEN, MEN!!!!!

ATTORNEY GENERAL:
One big, jaw-dropping implausibility after another. In Act I, he loses an election to a dead man. He spends most of Act II speaking in tongues, and in Act III--while America's under imminent peril--he's wiretapping prostitutes! A total right-wing cartoon!

BARBARA AND JEN:
Described in the script as "so not descended from the apes!" and "way abstinent!." Right now, these are the only two characters in the screenplay who offer any genuine poignancy. Absent parents. A family history of alcohol abuse. Misdemeanor convictions. The omnipresent glare of the tabloids, disrupting their keg parties and all-night raves. Possible vehicle for Olsen twins, or Lindsay Lohan in a startling double role!. Real breakout (breakdown?) potential.

OSAMA BIN LADEN:
An ingeniously crafted villain. Tall, dark, handsome, elusive. Only appears in still photographs, archival footage or voice-over (amps the "creepy" factor nicely!) Comes complete with tragic flaw (dialysis). Ruthless, with a barbarism that harkens back to movies of yore like "The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" and "Lawrence of Arabia." Unfortunately--in the story that's presently crafted--he gets away! Scott-free! How satisfying is THAT?

PLOT SYNOPSIS:
"GIANT" meets "THE SKULLS" meets "THE LOST WEEKEND" meets "AIRPORT" meets "TOWERING INFERNO" meets "ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN" meets "BLACK HAWK DOWN" meets "DUMB AND DUMBER" meets "APOCALYPSE NOW" meets "THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW," with the strong undercurrent of spiritual conviction (i.e., bloodlust) of Mel Gibson's "THE PASSION" throughout. Talk about your disaster movies; this one's a doozie.

READER'S RECOMMENDATION:
Hire a new writer. Quick.

*My apologies. This piece was much more relevant in early November 2004.

On December 12, 2001,Terry Gross interviewed Gene Simmons for NPR's Fresh Air.

Terry Gross: Now, clothes that you've worn on-stage. You wear fishnets.

Gene Simmons: No, Fire your research person. No fishnets.

Gross: I was sure I'd seen you in them, but I trust you.

Simmons: Don't ever do that- I'm a man.

Gross: Let's get to the studded codpiece- Do you have a sense of humor about that?

Simmons: No. It holds in my manhood- otherwise it would be too much for you to take. You'd have to put the book down and confront life. The notion is, if you're going to welcome me with open arms you also have to welcome me with open legs.

Gross: That's a really obnoxious thing to say.

Simmons: No it's not. Why should I say something behind your back that I can't tell you to your face?

Gross: Has it come to this? Is this the only way you can talk to a woman, with that shtick?

Simmons: Let me ask you something. Why is it shtick when all women have ever wanted since we crawled out of caves is, "Why can't a man just tell me the truth and speak to me plainly?" So if I do that, you can't have it both ways.

Gross: So you really have no sense of humor about this, do you?

Simmons: I'm laughing all the way.

Gross: Yeah, to the bank.

Simmons: Of course. Don't I sound like a happy guy?

Gross: Not really, to be honest with you.

Simmons: I was going to suggest you get outside of the musty place where you can count the dust particles falling around you and get out into the world and see what everybody else is doing.

Gross: Having sex with you?

Simmons: Well, if you chose, but you'd have to stand in line.

Gross: Okay, well, we might as well get to this since you keep bringing it up.

Simmons: I didn't, you did.

Gross: You write that you've had 4,600 sexual liaisons.

Simmons: You're supposed to say 'so far.'

Gross: So far. To you this will be asking the obvious, but why have you wanted so many encounters?

Simmons: M-A-N, the notion is plain.

Gross: I'd like to think the personality you presented on our show today is a persona that you've affected as a member of KISS, but that you're not nearly as obnoxious when you're at home with friends.

Simmons: Fair enough, and I'd like to think that the boring lady who's talking to me now is a lot sexier and more interesting than the one who's doing NPR.

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WHAT WE WILL NEED:

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